My Mind

           Spending time in the library is like second nature, but homework is not, so I look “off into space” and start to imagine. Because I imagine better with my eyes open, onlookers may think that I am a breathing dead person. Better that than to be thought asleep in school, because that is completely plausible. I shake my head then, because I’m taking a break, not a thinking test. And with that thought, I’m free. I don’t get up, I don’t even move, but instead, my mind feels liberated from my body. I start to lose the feeling in my feet and in my legs; not for the fact that they are going numb, but for the fact that I am no longer aware, nor care, that they exist. All that I concentrate on the fact that my heart is throbbing, not because a cute boy just walked by, but because of the exhilarating feeling as it moves into my throat and comes out my mouth. And then I see it, not my physical heart, but the feelings that are contained within. I am vaguely aware of the tear that rolls down my cheek with the contentedness I feel, the soothing green that represents it takes up most of the space in front of me, with a hint of dark blue for the sadness that I’m not aware of but that my subconsciousness is. A thought flickers through my mind and then is blown away by the distant voice that sounds impossibly close. My eyes twitch, then I blink, all of me rushes back inside as if the devil himself were chasing them. My mind is racing, it did not think outwardly, so much so that it feels like it didn’t think at all. But I know that it did, it went on an adventure without me, but I don’t care; it’s my heart that worries me, it’s beating so fast and my breathing is quick and it feels as though my throat has clogged. And to make matters worse, my stomach is doing flips with all the excitement that has transpired in a matter of moments. I take a sharp intake of breath as if I was just punched in the gut, the sheer impact of coming back to reality almost hurt, but in spite of it all I smile as two more tears roll down my cheeks. The smile is caused by the shock, the hurt, the tears, it all proves that I’m still human. That I still have fears and joys. That thought makes me smile even wider, at least until I hear that voice again, and I realized that I hadn’t completely come back to reality, only that I returned to myself. A hand waves in front of my face and my eyes twitch again, my vision blurs then it reluctantly clears. I’m back, all of me, unless, I chuckle inwardly; part of my heart was left behind, the yellow, the joy; if only to remind me that I’m happy. As I breath in there is a yellow streak that flows into my mouth, I blink. I’ll never get used to that. I hear the voice again, this time it sounds real, it’s my friend; she is looking at me, I smile and tilt my head, she smiles and nods, if only because she understands what just transpired. I look at the clock, two minutes has passed and I think with all that just happened, it was a long enough break.

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3 thoughts on “My Mind

  1. Hannah Bee says:

    Oh Lizz, the way you express your emotions in the written word is positively amazing, I’m beginning you might have a future as an author! -But hearing of your sadness brings me to tears myself. I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling so. 😦 I wish I had a way to help you feel happy again.

    • Hannah, I am happy; it’s just hard being away from all of you. I think about all of you often. I think that the sadness that I feel is homesickness. That’s all. I miss everyone tremendously. It is hard sometimes to be without the only true family I’ve ever had. The Monmouth Congregation is my true home, my true family. I love you all.

      • Hannah Bee says:

        And we love you Lizz. =) They say home is where the heart is, it can be hard to come to that mindset when you’ve left something behind. I guess all the saying means is… try to make a home of where ever it is you might be. I love quotes… looks like you do too if you named your blog “Quotes Galore!” LOL We see that saying in so many places “home is where the heart is” sometimes you just want to yell “no it isn’t! HOME IS HOME and I’m not there obviously.” I’m glad you’ve settled in there, and when you feel yourself getting “homesick” just try to think about all the things you love about your new life, where you are now. 🙂 Of course, I know that is always easier said than done.

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